Monday, October 31, 2005

Ugh. My driveway car-seat tantrum of yesterday morning has resulted in a pulled muscle in my lower back. K, thankfully, was off work today, so he was home to rub me down with Icy-Hot before I left for work this morning. I'm sure the people that sit close to me are appreciative of the menthol cloud hovering over me today.

Today is one of those days I have occasionally when I feel acutely how meaningless what I do is. Shuffling papers from one file to another. No satisfaction. No feeling that I'm contributing anything of value to society. How in the world did I go from earning a degree in music to this? It is a mystery. Is it awful that at my age, I'm still trying to figure out what I'd like to do when I grow up? Someday it will come to me.

And I am pensive today. K and I were talking a lot about family this weekend, with the holidays coming up and all. For all purposes, my family is gone. My mother died 7 years ago, and my father about 6 months ago. I have an older brother, but he chooses not to be involved for reasons that will never be clear to me. It makes me feel very alone... and although at times I can only tolerate my in-laws, I was wondering out loud if we should have them to our house for Thanksgiving? Of course, K looked at me as if to say are you sure you want to do that? I crave being part of a close-knit family, but I don't think that's going to happen at this stage of the game. But at least going through the motions of getting the house ready for company and making the big meal will give me the illusion, at least for a day, of what I dream of. While we were having this discussion, and I was saying that we need to find some 'couple' friends that also have children but how do you really make new friends at our ages, K looked at me and said 'Well, I have you, and I have W.T. What more do I need?'

And I cried.

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