Friday, October 21, 2005

Here we go...

Here I am... I am 35 going on 36... married for almost 8 years with a son that will be 2 in January... hopefully someone will find my thoughts on things interesting... Happily married, you ask? Most of the time. Enjoying motherhood? In all honestly, it has shaken me to the core. I still have quite a few moments when I don't quite know what to think about it. Like my job? What can I say? It's a paycheck. Since I have yet to win the lottery, there's not much of a choice. So let's see where all this takes us... and blame my friend Mou, of the internationally famous blog 'Mou on the verge' for all of this. After taking a look at what he had to say, how could I not start a blog of my own??? It would be unthinkable.

As I said, motherhood has shaken me to the very center of my being. I feel very much as though I've lost my sense of self, and I just have not figured out how to find it again. I guess at heart I'm a little selfish, and I haven't quite adjusted to the fact that life no longer centers on my, but on my son. I live now with a constant feeling of fear and dread in the pit of my stomach that something out of my control will happen to my son. It's an awful feeling. And it's made me realize very quickly that the line between appropriately cautious and maniacally paranoid is very, very fine. Therapy, perhaps? It probably wouldn't be a bad idea, but it would be a waste of time and money. I freeze up. I spend too much time wondering if they're thinking 'Wow, this one is really f-ed up...' I'm much better at working these things out in my own head, in my own time, than trying to spill them to someone else. (Ah, and who knows... could blog = free therapy? Hmmm....)

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