Friday, April 06, 2007

Please keep your arms and legs inside the car until the ride comes to a complete stop

"Heavy depression that's now affecting your marriage"


... we had our first appointment with a counselor night before last. This was all my idea, of course (which leads me to the very paranoid fear that he's going to end up resenting me for pushing the counseling so aggressively, especially now since it appears that a good portion of the problems we're having are mine, because of said heavy depression mentioned above). I'm thinking this will be quite the roller-coaster ride. I'm still not sure if I'm comfortable with all this. Yes, it was my idea to begin with, so I have no one to blame but myself, and I'm not blaming anyone (over the idea of going to counseling, that is). It makes you feel very vulnerable,though, wide open now for the world to see, hoping you don't catch someone pointing their finger at you and laughing... and hearing someone say the words 'heavy depression that's now affecting your marriage' and knowing they're talking about you makes you feel somehow... well... defective.

I get so nervous when it comes to things like these, and when I get excessively nervous the tears start to flow.

I'm sure this guy just thought I was a real mess.

I really don't want to go back, but I think we have to. I think I have to. I don't think there's any other choice at this point.

I'm thinking about putting some thoughts, ideas, etc., down on paper and taking it with me to our next appointment, so I have my thoughts collected. Talk about anal. The guy we're seeing practices cognitive behavioral therapy, so I'm not aloud to blame things on my husband any longer, but rather look at how I'm responding to what he's doing. Hmmmmm.... I'm so ensconced in the blame-thing that this is really going to be tough for me. But something had to be done, and I was running out of ideas.

So we'll see... wait and see, wait and see, wait and see...


Heather said...

I'm really glad you are willing to go. Not the easiest thing in the world for anyone.

Teresa said...

I'm thinking about you hon... If you need to talk... just give me a holler!