Saturday, August 26, 2006

Choices

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you haven't already figured out. When I'm in a bad mood... black mood... angry, bitter mood... I don't blog. My mood has been up and down lately. Mostly down. I don't like to blog when I'm in that mental place, because it all comes out sounding hateful and bitter and bitchy, and I don't like myself when I'm like that. No one wants to hear me whining. I don't even want to hear myself whining most of the time, but I have no choice but to listen to it.

Choice.

Choices.

Something that's been on my mind quite a bit lately, and the reason, for the most part, for my black mood.

Why?

Probably because I'm no longer on the Wellbutrin... I made the choice to stop taking it, because we just can't afford it right now along with all the other medications I have to be on to help with keeping my blood sugar under control. We're living paycheck-to-paycheck right now because the husband made the choice to go back to school instead of finding gainful employment when he lost his job at the beginning of the year. No one told us that, after 6 months, he'd have to re-file for his unemployment payments to continue, so we had the rug pulled out from underneath us about 4 weeks ago when his checks stopped without warning. Endless phone calls, paper work, yada, yada, yada. "You have to re-file for benefits, but the state will turn them down because you've already collected for 6 months. When the state denies your claim, it will be picked up by T.R.A. (which is part of these trade adjustment programs that are paying him to go to school) will pick up the claim and start paying your benefits, along with your tuition and books." Now, before you say it, I know that in the long run, this struggle will be worth it. Right now, though, it sucks, plain and simple. Our vacuum cleaner is broken, our cell phone service is suspended, and my car needs new tires....... but God only knows when we'll have the money for any of those.

I made the choice to change jobs about 6 months back, and now I hate where I'm at (although apparently I'm doing very well, and our department director is quite impressed with some ideas I've had lately - go figure). They're remodeling our office, which has been a pain in the you-know-what, BUT I no longer have to sit near Right-Wing Conservative Girl or the bitter old lady behind me (not to be confused with the woman who used to sit in the cubicle behind me). So that's at least one good thing, I guess.

I have vacation the week of Labor Day - the week after next, THANK THE HEAVENS!! I'm so, so very much hoping that this break revives me, because I NEED IT RIGHT NOW.

4 comments:

Teresa said...

I'm sorry to hear how rough things are lately. I hope you enjoy your vacation and get the much needed rest.

I'm rather the opposite... I use my blog to rag my feelings out. That way I don't explode all over the members of my family.

gone said...

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch now, Ruthie. I know it will pass, but I guess it's shit while you're in it. Let us know if you need anything.

gone said...

gone is Mou

Ruth said...

Gone is Mous

Sounds like the start

of a haiku


You're both such awfully good friends... what would I do without you? Things are getting better, I promise.