Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Wow....................................

I have not posted in a while, quite frankly, because I have nothing good to say. My mood has been black and foul, and there aren't prospects that it will get better any time soon.

I have ZERO Christmas spirit this year. None at all. Zilch. Zip. Nada. It could possibly even be a negative number if there was a scoring chart for something like this. I just don't have the energy for it this year. We have no decorations up. No tree, no wreath on the door, no stockings hung with care. I've thrown away most of the cards we've gotten after looking at them, and haven't sent out a single one. I think K is very disappointed by all this. I know he wanted a tree up for W.T. (although at 2 W.T. is not going to remember it, so what's the big deal?), but I don't see him taking the initiative to get the boxes down from above the cabinets in the garage and re-arranging things in the living room to accomplish all this. I almost said this to him the other day when all this came up, but kept my mouth shut instead. Choose your battles.

I am spiteful and bitter this year. Christmas is about family, but I have none... at least that's the way it feels. Both of my parents are gone now, and my brother might as well be. I've had two 10-minute conversations with him since my dad died back in May. He didn't come up while my dad was in the hospital. He didn't help plan the memorial service (but made himself look very good by giving a little speech during it about what all he'd learned from my dad... yeah, right). He didn't come up in August when we buried my dad's ashes on a very rainy Saturday morning. It was just me and K and the man from cemetery office, holding umbrellas and watching the groundsman do their job. He didn't call on my birthday last month, either, or send a card. And of course I can't help but wonder if it's something that I've done that has made him this way; made him shut me out. And yes, I've asked, and practically pleaded in emails, and apologized when there's nothing to apologize for... and he's acknowledged none of it.

I've done the Christmas shopping and gotten the presents for my in-laws, not because I have the desire to give them presents but because this is what's expected. And I'll go to my father-in-laws house on Christmas day and eat and open presents and put on a good show, when I'd really rather be at home watching QVC. But I really just don't see the point of it all, at least not this year, because the holidays are about spending time with your family, but if you don't really have any family then why bother? Now I know, I know... I have my son and my husband, and my in-laws (God help me), and close friends that are very much like family... but it's just not the same. It's not the same as the family that you grew up with... the family that all of your history comes from. Or at least it doesn't feel the same. It feels lonely and isolated. I feel like I've been slapped in the face one too many times. I feel like I'm the last man standing.

Right now this feels like a hurt that I'll never get over, and I don't like that. I don't like feeling so bitter and beaten-down by life at such a young age. But what do you do? When does the sting go away? Maybe someone could take a look in their Magic 8 ball for me and let me know...

1 comment:

gone said...

Oh, Ruthie! You've always got us, down here in the Bluegrass. We love you, K, and little W so, so much: you are part of our family. But I know how you feel. I had it after my sister died and after my father-in-law died, but it does fade with time. As to your brother, I just don't get it. But you know that. He was so ga-ga over you high school and college; I don't understand why he's turned away from you and your new family.

Incidentally, no call from him today.