Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Motherhood = multiple personalities

I am really starting to believe this is true. I have never felt quite so manic as I have since I found out I was pregnant in May of 2003. Now I don't mean to go on about all of this. But it is, after all, the focal point of things right now in our household. Or it is for me, at least. It just amazes me. And it makes me wonder daily why I'm so affected by all of this, and why K does not seem to be. I know he loves W.T. and me, and he's turning out to be a wonderful father. But I don't see the stress of all of it affecting him. At least not as much as it seems to affect me. He gets tense, say, when the little angel is throwing a fit, but other than that it's as if we've just added a live-in playmate for him. Are all fathers like that? And if so, why? I'm sure this is a question I'll never have an answer to.

I will admit my son's reaction to me lately (see prior post) is affecting me greatly right now, but was heartened to read the comments left by a fellow blogger. As I said in my reply to her comments, I remember now the subject of when babies recognize themselves coming up at a pediatrician's appointment when W.T. was about 6 or 8 months old. The doctor told us that, from what he knew, it hadn't been determined yet exactly when that self-awareness develops, and that for the first few stages of life, the child actually thinks that they and their mother are the same person. It makes some sense, then, that they would have this rejection-reaction as their sense of self and sense of independence develops.

Forgive me if I sound bitchy, but why is it that daddy gets to have all the fun? Who carried the boy for 9 months? Shot herself up with insulin daily to keep the blood sugar under control? Watched like the Nazi SS what she ate so that she didn't gain to much weight? Pushed for over an hour (AFTER the epidural wore off) because the boy's head was stuck on her pelvic bone? Aren't the hormones and the post-partum depression punishment enough? Do we have to get slapped with the rejection also? Why is it that mothers seem to get the big, cosmic F- You? I think I'm starting to understand why my mother seemed to be in such a bad mood so much of the time.


welshwitch36 said...

Speaking from the perspective of a childless aunt - my nephew was the same, in that he would be good as gold most of the time with his father and got really excited when he came from work etc. Now he's 3 and going to nursery, he seems to be bonding with his mother more. Not sure if any of this helps but there is light at the end ;-)

Ruth said...

All words of encouragement are greatly appreciated! :)