Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Lot's of anniversaries this week. Anniversaries make me contemplative, introspective, and all the other synonyms of looking inside yourself to try to figure things out. Why have things turned out the way they have? Lots of 'what if's'... what if I'd gone on to graduate school after college? What if K hadn't answered the personal add I put in the small, local newspaper (have I ever mentioned that's how we met?)? What if the birth control we were using had done its job the way it was supposed to?

Life would be so much different...

But this too shall pass, I'm sure.

Today is the first anniversary of my father's death. Is that even possible? It really doesn't seem like it.

I haven't talked to my best friend much the last 2 weeks, since the whole birthday extravaganza. I've called several times, only to be blown off with 'Oh, John (remember him, with the big yoo-hoo?) is supposed to be calling. Can I call you back later?' No return call was ever received later in the evening. Ouch - that smarts. I called today... just a little bit ago. I stayed home from work today, and she's off on Wednesdays.

"We're just sitting here watching a movie. What's up?"

"Just hadn't talked to you in a while. I stayed home from work today, thought I'd call and see what was going on."

"Stayed home from work - that's always fun..."

At this point, I reminded her what the day was... "Oh! Has it been a year? I can't believe that."

"Yeah, I think I'm doing okay, though. No big outburst of tears yet."

"Well that's good. Listen, can I call you back later tonight, once John's gone?"

Thirty-five years of friendship, and I don't rate more than 5 minutes on the phone on the anniversary of the death of a parent? I'm still speechless. Slap me in the face, why don't you? Maybe I'm overly-sensitive right now, but to me that seemed rather a bitchy thing to do. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled that she's found someone that has true prospects of being THE ONE, but this is taking it a little far if you ask me. I just don't know where to go with all this. This isn't the first time in our 35 years of knowing each other that I've had feelings like this, but we're not the kind of people that express these things. Everything is repressed. We were both brought up in families that didn't talk about anything, ESPECIALLY feelings. Are we growing apart after all this time? Could be, I guess. It's a very lonely feeling.


gone said...

That's an amazing picture of your dad, Ruthie. He sure was an interesting fella. I still remember those occasional phone calls when he'd pass through Kentucky on one of his cross-country drives. You be good, sweetie, and hang in there.



Ruth said...

Ah yes, the 'We're just in the area so we thought we'd call' phone calls at midnight or after. One of his trademarks!

Teresa said...

Thinking about you today Ruth! Take care of yourself! Miss you!

Maidink said...

Wow, Ruth. For once, I'm speechless. I'm so sorry for your loss.

It seems your friend isn't really thinking right now. Don't take it to heart. Friendships, even the best of them, go in cycles. Bad timing for this down cycle, unfortunately.

Don't ever forget, when you find a penny, dad is thinking of you. You might even find one today.

A penny for your thoughts, my friend.