Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I am sabotaging my marriage.

I've come to this conclusion on my own. . . well, with the help of the counseling, of course, but don't think that either the husband or the counselor has laid this at my feet. In thinking about all this stuff that we have to think about after each counseling session, and all the things we have to write down, and doing all of that openly and willingly and being very honest about it, I've come to this conclusion on my own.

I'm so disappointed with the way things have turned out with my life, that I'm sabotaging my marriage. I'm bitter and spiteful about so many things, and I lay the blame for all of this squarely on the shoulders of my husband.

How awful is that?

I hate my job. I would love to go back to school, but that's out of the question right now because he's out of work and in school, and there's no money, and there's health insurance to consider (which I now carry, because he has no job), and it's doubtful that I'll even be able to go back to school when he's finished, because I'm sure he won't find a job making nearly what I am (not that I make a lot, but it's decent). So the more-likely scenario is that we'll hope for him to find a part-time job in his new career field, which will (hopefully) make getting the precious boy to and from school (he's enrolled in PRESCHOOL for the fall - OH MY GOD!!!! But that's another post.) and all that...

... which leads us directly into the fact that HE'S getting to stay home with the boy for these two years, while he's in school, and all I've had, really, is the measly, completely inadequate six-weeks of maternity leave 3 1/2 years ago. He ends up watching television most of the day, while Daddy tries to study. I'm paranoid that his brain is already mush and that he'll end up with Autism. We're NOWHERE CLOSE on the potty training, which is DRIVING ME APE-SHIT. Daddy has made ONE half-hearted 4-hour attempt, and given up. The boy, delightful and precious though he may be, knows he can play Daddy like a cheap fiddle and get whatever he wants (not materialistically speaking, though, because we're BROKE). I know that being home ALL DAY LONG with a child would be tough... stressful... I don't know... I just know that there are things I might do differently if I were here, but if I try (and yes, I've been nice about it) to suggest these things, offer support or encouragement, whatever, it's seen as a direct insult to his parenting skills.


And the house is a MESS... and I'm EXHAUSTED by the time I get home from work... and there's NO TIME to exercise...

I'm so tired of feeling bitter, and frustrated, and agitated, and irritated by ALL of this, but I don't know what the solution is.

3 comments:

Twyla said...

You know, I honestly think I sabotaged my marriage too. Actually I know I did. I resented my ex-husband for making me choose him over going to college. And then I resented him for making me move away from everything I knew and loved. I couldn't get over that. At least you realize that you are doing it, and can try to fix it. I wish you the best.

Twyla said...

Btw, I changed my blog address. Here's the new one... http://www.twyladawn.blogspot.com

Some moron was claiming that my blog was his. Grrrr.

Teresa Paulina said...

thinking about you alot lately babe... how are things going?