So... I've been doing a lot of thinking...

I know, I know... you immediately think, "God help us all, nothing good can come of this."

Whatever.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking, and a lot of contemplating, and a lot of weighing the good against the bad, the pros and the cons, and all that, and I think I've come to the conclusion that, when I go to the doctor at the end of this month, for my regular every-three-months-blood sugar-check up-get refills-appointment, I'm going to talk to him about having the LapBand surgery (Short version of my opinion on this - I would never have gastric bypass, which permanently alters the size of the stomach and all that, but the LapBand, to me, seems like an alternative that I could live with. The recovery time is short, and it's covered at 90% by my insurance [Yes, I've already checked.]). I realize this is in direct contradiction to the fat girl post from some months back, but here's the thing: I've reached the point.

Am I throwing my beliefs to the wind? Probably. Do I care? Not really. I waffled a little after the fat girl post, and got myself all fired-up to get healthy. We bought the elliptical at Sear's and got it all set up. Remember my impressive string of 30-45 minutes/day, 5 days/week for three months on the elliptical last summer? This resulted in a total weight-loss of - are you ready? - 4 pounds. Yes, I went for my regular appointment last August, all ready for a triumph on the scales, and found that I'd lost

FOUR

FUCKING

POUNDS.

Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. Honestly, I have not really been able to motivate myself since. I mean think about it... I ate right and sweated my ass off, and lost only four pounds. At that rate, it would take me about... FOREVER to lose the amount of weight I need to lose, to get off all, or at least most, of the medicine I'm taking for the diabetes (most notably the insulin). I think the insulin is what's causing me the grief, because (as we've discussed before) although it helps control the blood sugar, as a hormone it leads to weight gain. The doctor, though, is unwilling to take me off of it, or even lower the dosage until I've lost some weight, because of the negative impact it would have on my blood sugar levels. So really, then, what am I supposed to do?

I mean really? What am I supposed to do? Tell me, and I'll do it. I tried Weight Watchers for a while with Right-Wing Conservative Girl (RWCG) - that was a nightmare. Our desks were across from each other, separated by a cubicle wall. If I had an afternoon snack, I'd chew slowly and quietly, so she wouldn't hear me, because if she heard me she'd say 'Ruth, are you eating? What are you eating? How many points is it worth?' Good Lord!!

A personal trainer would be phenomenal, but I don't have the money for that. Jenny Craig is way to expensive, and even if it weren't, the commercials are absolutely too irritating for words. What is it with the girl that felt compelled to go from a size 10 to a size 4. When did being a size 10 become unacceptable? Good God! I'd kill someone to be a size 10.

But back to me - I am desperate. I am miserable. I am 38 years old and I feel like I'm running out of time when it comes to this. I skimmed the recent article in People magazine about the girls that lost bazillions of pounds all on their own, and that's wonderful. But I hereby officially give up. I give in. I admit defeat. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to groan inwardly when my son wants to go play in the yard, or at the park, because it takes to much energy (and I'd rather be parked on the couch watching 'Law & Order: Criminal Intent or SVU reruns on USA).

I want to not continue taking 3 shots and 5 pills everyday to control my blood sugar levels.

Bottom line: I want to feel normal.

Well, my version of normal, anyway.

So there you have it.

That's my decision.

Right or wrong.

Good or bad.

There it is.