Tales of the paranoid mommy #567

So, I'm sitting here at work today, nervous as a nelly...

When I got to the church to pick Will up from daycare last night, they had a permission slip for me to sign for today's field trip. The original plan was to take the kids to one of the area parks, but they apparently took one of the classes their yesterday and found it to be quite trashy, so they changed the plan for Will's class today...

... they decided to take them to the Huber Heights municipal pool... and, of course, Will can't swim.

Pretty much immediately, panic began to set in, and in my head the irrational-mommy voice started debating with the rational-mommy voice...

IM: He can't swim!

RM: Well, surely he's not the only child in his class that can't swim. And they wouldn't take the kids to the pool if it wasn't safe.

IM: Do they have a kiddie pool that's only a foot deep? I'll ask the girl working this afternoon...

Now, a problem comes in here because the girl that there in the afternoons never has any information. "I just work here," she says. Or, "they just asked me to have you sign the permission slip if you want him to go." I think she gets annoyed with the questions I ask sometimes. And I get a little annoyed at the fact that all of the people that know anything are always gone by the time I pick Will up... but on the other hand they probably get there at 6am... so it's just one of those situations that you can't really do anything about.

Thankfully, at least, the permission slip for a trip to the pool was 2 pages long, and included a section where I could mark very prominently NON-SWIMMER. I resisted the temptation to add several exclammation points to this section of the form.

Upon leaving the church, we went immediately to Meijer to look at children's flotation devices. Of course, though, short of putting him in an actual life-vest, they didn't have anything that looked like it would really keep him from going under, so I passed on that.

I was quite happy to find an overcast sky and cooler temperature when I left for work this morning. They were scheduled to go from 10:00 am to 12 noon, but I'm thinking... hoping... that they skipped due to the weather.

I normally park at the far end of the parking lot here at work, for the little bit of extra exercise it gives walking in and out of the building, but I parked right beside our door this morning, in case I have to leave quickly.

I will also be fighting with myself not to call the school this afternoon, to make sure they made it back safely.

God help me.

I feel as if I have come to a crossroads with my career here at the Casa de Insurance...

In just a few days, I will mark my 10 year anniversary with this company. That’s the longest I’ve ever stayed at one job. On the one hand, considering I have probably (ahem) 20 – 25 years until retirement, 10 years doesn’t seem like all that long. On the other hand, I come from the generation that’s expected to change jobs 172 times before they die, which makes 10 years feel like a lifetime.

Those of us that are lucky enough to be employed by the Casa de Insurance are asked, two to three times per year, to fill out an employee satisfaction survey. The frequency of the surveys seems like overkill to me, but I just work here. The questions are always the same, and include such favorites as:

• I have a best friend at work.
• I have the opportunity to have fun at work.
• I have the tools I need to do my job (guess how I scored this one a few weeks ago, considering they just took our printers away from us!).
• In the last two weeks, I have been recognized for doing good work.

Questions are scored from 1 (completely disagree) to 5 (completely agree)... You always know a survey’s coming when the bosses start having meets to discuss the questions, to make sure we understand the questions, and the company’s intention behind the questions, because heaven knows they wouldn’t want us to misinterpret anything. And, predictably, while they don’t actually come out and say they want us to give everything a 5, you’d have to be pretty stupid not to know that’s what they’re driving at.

The most recent survey was just a few weeks ago, at the end of June. At one of the pre-survey meetings towards the middle of June, one of the department managers was moved by the spirit to stand up and give us a short testimony on how thankful she is right now to have a job, how she thinks about this every morning when she gets up and looks in the mirror, and how she, personally, felt we should all remember that when we were taking the survey this time around. I found this a little offensive and inappropriate, but it did get a few ‘amens’ from the crowd.

Now, just stay with me, because I promise I’ll be at the crux of all this very soon...

Had you asked me ten years ago if I’d ever want to be a stay-at-home mom/homemaker/reincarnation of June Cleaver, I’d have laughed heartily and said, “Of course not! I’d be bored if I stayed home all day, folding laundry and cleaning toilets!” Had you asked me seven years ago, after I’d gone through a miscarriage and diagnosis of type II Diabetes in a two-week time span, if I even wanted to be a parent, period, I would’ve laughed and said, “Absolutely not!” Not to be too dramatic, but for me that miscarriage was a real glimpse at how truly heartbreaking the whole business of being a parent can be.

Yet here I am, 5 ½ years later, gearing up for this exquisite creature that is my son to start kindergarten in a few months (and if you know me really well, you know that a large part of my excitement in all this is the shopping for school supplies... you know the unexplainable relationship I have with office supplies...). I swear to you, I can physically feel my heart swell with love each time I look at him, or even just a picture of him... and I feel humbled to have been so blessed.

How are these things related? Well I’ll tell you...

It’s likely that the boy will be in an extended day (i.e. full school day) kindergarten program, because of delays in his fine motor skills that have been identified (which is a whole post on its own). We’ll find out for sure on this toward the end of August, when school actually starts. If he’s in the extended day program, he’ll be in school from 8:45 am – 3:15 pm. With that, the husband and I were hoping to arrange our work schedules so that we can eliminate the need for daycare, period, thus saving us the equivalent of an extra mortgage payment every month.

On the Casa de Insurance employee website, there are several pages devoted to topics like ‘work-life balance’, and ‘alternative work arrangements’... so I went to my boss with the question what would the possibility of me working a little bit different schedule be, longer days two days a week (on the days the husband doesn’t work) so I can leave a little earlier 3 days a week (on the days the husband does work) to pick the boy up from school...

And the answer I got was, “I’ll check, but don’t count on it, because the new head of our department ‘isn’t hip’ on alternative work arrangements.” Not that it’s not available, or that there’s some legitimate business reason why I couldn’t do it... to be honest, there’s no part of my job that I couldn’t do from home... but that the big boss “isn’t hip” on those kinds of schedules.

Well, let me tell you... I’m not hip on being made to feel as if I have to choose between my family and my source of a paycheck. I haven’t gotten to official ‘no’ yet, so we’ll see. I’m weighing the possibility of going to Human Resources if I’m turned down... and weighing my other options as well.

Wow.

I'm surprised I remembered how to get to this place, let alone sign in. Wonders will never cease.

Heaven help me, tomorrow is the annual in-law 4th of July family picnic/reunion. It was actually started by the husband's uncle (my father-in-law's older brother, now deceased), and his children (the husband's weird cousins) have carried on the tradition.

The husband has to work, lucky bastard, so the boy and I are going with my immediate in-laws to the festivites. Lovely. An afternoon of "Ruth!! Did you have ANYTHING to do with this boy AT ALL?!? He looks JUST LIKE the husband!! Are you sure you had ANYthing to do with him?!?"

Give me strength...

Christmas with the in-laws was... actually not as bad as it could've been. This almost makes me sad, as I do admit to getting a little... what? I don't know... would you call it perverse satisfaction out of posting about how crazy they are? And about how crazy they make me?




Dinner was the standard fare: ham, mac & cheese, green beans, Pillsbury crescent rolls. The father-in-law doesn't pull out the weird recipes for this meal (he saves those for Thanksgiving, as we all know). The boy ate a plate full of carrots, of all things.



Regrettably, I DID NOT get another pair of vibrating slippers this year. I was really hoping, but I was disappointed. It was fun last year to send them to the lovely JustRose of the Philly Rowhouse, and I was looking forward this year to sending them to another lucky online friend. Alas, this will not happen. I did, however, receive:



from my mother-in-law:

a tube of H2O shower gel (yummy)

a bottle of hand soap (odd)

a ring with cubic zirconia set in the shape of an angel (every girl's dream, right?)



from my father-in-law:

2 Tervis tumblers, 24 oz size (odd, but useful)



from the brother-in-law and his wife:

a yoga mat and bag (more on my new fascination with yoga in another post!)



As a joint present, the husband and I are shopping today for a new DVD player.



As expected, the brother-in-law and his wife got the boy the (almost) biggest thing they could find, a Hot Wheels track that does all sorts of tricks. One day later a piece was broken, and he had lost interest in it. AmVets is picking things up this coming Monday, and it may very well be on the pile...



So there you have it.

Merry Christmas, darlings!

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday!

First and foremost, thank you for all of your encouraging words after my last post.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you all are the bomb.

We are keeping the appointment with the Developmental Peds clinic of our local children's hospital set for March 10, 2009, and also pursuing having a more extensive assessment done by our local school system.  Hopefully this will happen by the end of January.  I don't think there's an actual developmental delay or problem, but more an issue of figuring out how to redirect his attention and focus.  During his parent/teacher conference in the fall, the teachers mentioned that boys mature at a slower pace than girls do, which I'd heard and read before, so I'm sure that's part of it.  On top of that, I'll be the first to say he's watched way too much television for his young age, and although I don't think he's lapsed into A.D.D. or A.D.H.D or anything like that, it will be good to have someone(s) who is more of an expert give us the scoop.

Initially, of course, I freaked out about all of this, but I have since calmed down.  Can I just say that I find motherhood rather intimidating?  I'm sure this doesn't come as a shock to you.  The responsibility of it weighs on me like...  I don't know... an aircraft carrier sitting on my chest, let's say.  Hopefully I'll be rid of this by the time he's graduating from college and ready to be out on  his own...  but right now I am skeptical...

I'm tired. 

I'm ready for the holidays to be over.

I'm on vacation the week between Christmas and New Year's - hallelujah!  When I leave work on Christmas Eve, I don't have to be back until January 5, 2009.  When I think about that, it makes me happy.

I'm concerned about the boy.  Easter Seals evaluated the kids at the preschool back in November, and they had some concerns about his fine motor skills development (or lack thereof).  We were expecting that.  Kindergarten testing is getting closer and closer, and he has yet to really start writing his letter...  or using a pen/pencil in general.  He shows absolutely no interest in learning this.  He has no interest in coloring or drawing.  For the kindergarten assessment he has to be able to write his name (I thought that was something you learned in kindergarten - silly me), and he's nowhere close. 

We think he's going to be a lefty.  He tends to favor his left hand when we are able to get him focused for 10 or 15 minutes on using the crayon or pencil.  Maybe this makes it harder to learn?  I don't know (although I asked the mother of a friend who's raised both a left and right-handed child, and she didn't remember having any difficulties unique to the left-handed child versus the right-handed child)...  I feel like I'm grasping.

So, our pediatrician, whom we love, took a look at the evaluation and referred us to the developmental pediatrics unit at the local children's hospital.  After several phone calls back and forth and filling out a packet of paperwork, we were advised that their first available appointment is March 10, 2009, which really did not make me happy.  But I took the appointment.  Our other option is having him evaluated through the local school system, which we're now also pursuing.

Why is this stuff so hard?

The nasty, icy weather is here.  I know I have no room to complain, as those of you that live extremely west and north of me have already experienced severe winter weather this year.  I empathize.  I still appreciate the beauty of a neighborhood blanketed with ice and snow...  but as a person who then has to go out and drive in it, it totally irritates me.

Oh the times, they are a changin', in the house of Ruth Speaks Up.  The husband, after what seemed like endless searching, has found a job and started yesterday.  Is he working as a medical coding or billing specialist in a plush doctor's office?   No.   He is, in fact, working as a driver for our area's Regional Transit Authority, for their Project Mobility program.  Folks (or caregiver's of folks) who meet certain qualifications under the American's With Disabilities Act can arrange to be picked up/dropped off by a mini-van, equipped with a wheelchair lift if needed, emblazoned with the RTA logo.  The mini-van's cover the same area that the RTA does with the 'regular' busses, so yes, he'll potentially be going to the bad section of town, he'll potentially be picking up or dropping people off at bars, he'll potentially be dealing with drunk people in his van.   I know...  some of you out there are saying, "But Ruth, wait!  This means he'll have to talk to people, to be social, to interact with people he doesn't know!"  It's true, his track record shows a definite... awkwardness in situations such as this.  In all honesty, though, I think he's very well suited to this kind of job.  He likes to be out and about, driving around.  He really is a friendly, personable person.  And, after taking care of his mother who had MS (while he was a teenager), I think he has the respect for someone with a disability that this kind of job calls for.   It was great having him home with the boy for these almost-3 years, but it's good that he's finally getting back to work.  He is a good father, but not everyone is cut out for stay-at-home parenthood.  The boy will be spending a lot more time in daycare now, which breaks my heart, but it will all be okay.   He gets to wear a cute uniform with a tie (the husband, not the boy), which we thought was going to be a problem, because he doesn't know how to tie a tie, until we found these, which I am just fascinated by.  They warned him that, being the new guy, he'll get the crappy shifts, which could start as early as 4:30 am and end as late as 1:00 am.  He'll also get the overtime, and could potentially be putting in 60+ hour weeks for a while.   Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Oh yes, Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws was just as bad this year as it was last year.  When we finally got in the car to go home, the first words out of the husband's mouth were "You're cooking next year."  So, the food was bad, and I'm pretty sure my mother-in-law insulted my son...  but I'll get to that later.

Quick things you should know, since I've been so neglectful here:

• The husband FINALLY has a job, which he started today.  It is not  in the medical
• The boy was evaluated by Easter Seals, who expressed some concerns on his fine motor skills, specifically the writing (or lack thereof).  At their suggestion, and with the help of our pediatrician, we're making arrangements to have him more thoroughly evaluated by an occupational therapist.
• The boy wowed us yesterday by, for the first time, peeing (into the toilet, of course) STANDING UP, instead of sitting on his potty chair.  As gross as it might sound, I almost took a picture, because it was just too precious for words.
• With the husband going back to work, we're all making adjustments in our schedules at the Ruth Speaks Up house.  My boss is not being to agreeable on this, which is pissing me off.

There's my quick-hit for today.  More to come...

So here we are again, at the day before Thanksgiving.  We will be heading to the in-laws again this year, which strikes fear into my heart as I remember last year's meal.  If our house weren't perpetually a mess (which I fully blame on having an almost-5-year-old), I'd have them over here.  It's just not worth the hassle, though.  I'm sure that my mother-in-law is offended by this in some way, but frankly, I just don't give a shit.  I'd be happy to just stay home tomorrow with the husband and the boy, in pj's, on the couch.  But whatever.

There feels like so much to tell, and I am hoping to have the chance to do so at some point during this long weekend (at least the Casa de Insurance is generous enough to give us the day after Thanksgiving as a paid holiday, shock and surprise!). 

I'm sure you sit waiting with baited breath, right?

I'm such a tease...

Tales of a Paranoid Mommy

I've talked before about how paranoid I am when it comes to the boy.  Since the day he was born, I've lived with fear in my stomach that something will happen to him.  The line, for me, between cool, laid-back mommy who can handle or deflect anything thrown at her and OCD mommy that won't let  him out of the yard unless he's tethered to me with a rope is very thin, and I work very hard not to cross it.  It's only been within the last year that I've overcome my anxiety about taking him to the park by myself (for fear that we'll be attacked); trust me when I say that was a BIG step.

It doesn't help, either, that I'm a devotee of Law & Order: SVU...  yes, that's the version that deals with all the rape and child molestation.  What can I say?  I just can't look at Christopher Meloni enough...

Can you blame me?

Anywhoo...  about two weeks ago, I was at the public library with the boy.  Let me digress for just a moment and say that the boy loves the library, absolutely loves it, can't get enough of it, which thrills me.  So we're in the children's section, which has a nice window-bench seat that runs along the entire length of one wall.  I'm sitting at one end of the bench looking through a knitting book, and the boy is laying next to me on his stomach, flipping through at Thomas the Tank Engine collection.  I notice a tall, heavy-set boy plop down on the opposite end of the bench, about 20 feet or so away from us.  He looked to me to be about 13 years old, and I thought it was somewhat inappropriate that he laid down on the bench, but I didn't really pay much attention to him beyond that.

After a few minutes, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, him stand up and adjust the front of his shorts in an odd manner, and start walking towards us.  As he walked past the boy, he paused, and reached down to ruffle the boy's hair.  What older child does that to a younger child, I ask you?

It was at this point that the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

He walked past us into the stacks of children's books... and now keep in mind these are little children's books, not even the middle children's books.  A minute or two later, he walked back to the bench with a book, and sat down right next to the boy.  He started flipping through the book in a way that, to me, seemed as if he was trying to get my son interested in what he was looking at.

I put down the knitting book I'd been looking at, and just blatently stared at him.  The boy was still laying on his stomach on the bench, with his head next to me and his feet towards this... person of interest.  Was it my imagination, or did this freak just adjust the front of his shorts again while glancing at my son's backside?  I can't even begin to tell you the scenarios that started flashing in my head.  By now, the boy was up on his knees, trying to get a look at the book the freak was looking at, and the freak was mumbling something about it being a really good book that he loved when he was a kid, blah, blah, blah...  and all I could think about was if he offered to take my son to the restroom, I'd kick him in the raisins, grab the boy and run.

He stood up after a minute and started to walk away.  Abruptly, he turned around and asked if we ever took home the books on tape that come with the storybook for the kids, so you can listen and read along at the same time.  They're really great, he said... then he blurted out I'LL GIVE YOU THREE GUESSES TO GUESS HOW OLD I AM!

Heaven help me.  Would it be improper to say 'I really don't give a shit' in the middle of the library? 

I guessed 13.

No.

I guessed 12.

Closer, but still no.

I guessed 10.

Low and behold, I was right.  Now, call me cynical, but this kid was pushing 5'10", and had to weigh 180lbs.  At ten years old?  I find that hard to believe.  But who knows.

The boy decided he wanted to look at the kids videos then, and the freak followed us.  "What kind of videos are you looking for, little buddy?" he asked my son.  No joke...  he actually called the boy 'little buddy'.  I'd had enough, and told the boy it was time to go. 

I told the husband about the incident, and of course I'm not on the look-out everytime we walk into the library (and we go there a lot...).

Maybe it really is time for Xanax...

I know that we don't all agree when it comes to the political arena...  and I know that many people are disappointed by yesterdays results and fearful about the future, and if the situation were reversed I would absolutely feel the same way.  This is why I hate all things political, and why I don't talk about it much. 

I do think, though, that it's exciting to be around for such an historic event.  As my boss said during lunch today, it's as if this will move the country to the next level, and it seems the time is right for that.

So, that's it.  No more politics.  The next post will take us back to our regular programming.

My father taught me not to talk about politics and religion, as those two subjects normally result in arguments, no matter who you're with.  He also took the fact that we vote by secret ballot very seriously, and although my gut feeling is that he leaned toward the Republican, I'll never know for sure.  What I do know is that he taught me to take this civic responsibility very seriously (along with imparting the wisdom that if you don't vote, you can't complain about the way things are!) and I can honestly say that I've voted in every election, voted on every issue, that I've been eligible to vote for since I turned 18 and registered at the library in the town where I grew up.

The polling location (the Methodist church several blocks away) where I vote now, where I've voted for the last 10 years, is notoriously unorganized.  The same four individuals have worked my precinct for the last 8 years or so, and I feel for them, because many of the other rednecks residents of my precinct are quite impatient.

Today, I did an historic thing, and cast my ballot for a black man.  I cast that ballot because I feel deeply that there needs to be serious change.  I cast that ballot because the only jobs being offered to my husband are part-time, minimum wage jobs, which I believe is the result of the horrible state of things at the moment.  I cast that ballot for the future of my son, who has his entire life still ahead of him.

Whether you agree with me or not, I hope you voted today.  Now, I'm off to watch the election returns...

Catching up...

I do not have gallstones.  This is a good thing, but leaves us in the position of not knowing what's causing the intermittent nausea and vomiting.  I'm a little fed up with my doctor at this point, because every time I call to give an update on how I'm feeling, it's duly noted and I'm told to call back in 10 days.   The husband did not pass the medical office coder certification test (he came very, very close, but close only counts with horseshoes and hand grenades).  He has been diligently searching, but still does not have a job.  The temporary services will probably be next.   We had a parent/teacher conference for the boy today.  It's been scheduled for several weeks... perhaps my nerves leading up to this are what caused the latest round of vomiting?  It went better than I expected, honestly.  He's still somewhat immature compared to some of the other kids, but that's typical in boys, and not surprising considering we've never had him in daycare (ie. not a lot of exposure to other kids until preschool).  His fine motor skills are behind, but we knew that.  We're making a concentrated effort now (FINALLY) to sit down with him in the evenings to work on this, to reinforce what they do at school.  The husband and I have done the boy a great disservice in not concentrating on this sooner.  We've let ourselves get caught up with the stress of other things going on, which is inexcusable.  The school has people from the Easter Seals organization come in every year to evaluate all the kids, which will determine if we just haven't worked hard enough on the motor skills, or if it's some kind of actual developmental delay, so that will be helpful.   And so it goes in our little corner of the world...

I suppose I should confess (if I haven't already) that the total pounds lost number to the right includes 3 pounds that I lost during the elliptical debacle of the summer of 2007...  but hey, it's weight that I've lost and kept off, so I'm counting it. 

I go in an hour and a half for the ultrasound that will show the doctor whether or not I have gall bladder issues.  I won't get the results today, of course, because the imaging center I'm going to will forward the, well, images, to my doctor's office for him to read and interpret.  The doctor's office said they'd call once they have the test results, probably in a day or two, to set up an appointment.

Hurry up and wait.

The doctor feels the other possible causes for my stomach woes are (best-case scenario) gastritis, or (worst-case scenario) something called gastroparesis.  The ultrasound for the gall bladder is the easiest test to start with, though.  To diagnose gastritis they do an endoscopy.  I gag brushing my teeth, so the thought of them sticking a camera on a tube down my throat is particularly troubling.  All in the name of health, though, right?

I'll keep you posted...

This is not shaping up to be a good week...

When it rains, it pours, right?

This past Thursday, I found myself, for the second time in a month, stricken with stomach cramps, nausea, dizziness...  I won't go into further gory details.  Let's just say it wasn't pretty.  Recall that I also came down with the same symptoms the weekend of my friend's wedding to the redneck truck driver.  I have only just in the last week felt as if my appetite was coming back, and I'm down again.  It doesn't help, either, that I've been hearing and reading things lately about one of my diabetes medicines possibly causing pancreatitis; how can you not be concerned when you hear something like that?

I yakked twice at work, then left...  yakked twice more at home, and spent the rest of the day in bed.  I also called the doctor's office, concerned about the fact that there seems to be something seriously wrong with my digestive system.  The doctor didn't seem too worried about it, though, and told me to check back in today (read he was taking a 1/2 day off Thursday and all day Friday, and wouldn't be back into the office until today).

Understandably, I didn't eat much over the weekend.  I had a good workout Saturday, but skipped Sunday.  I went for my usual workout this morning, and decided as I was leaving that I just couldn't face going into the office this morning...  not to mention the fact that I might have to leave early if the doctor decided he wanted me to come in.  Working from home is why they give us laptops, right?  I came straight home, and left a message for my boss that I was still down, working from home, blah, blah, blah.  I'm sure she won't have a problem with this, but I really don't care.  I'm exhausted by and fed up with working at/for the Casa de Insurance, but that's a topic for another post.

The doctor did have me come in this morning, and after talking for 10 - 15 minutes about what I've been experiencing, he said...

... that he would like me to go this week for an ultrasound to determine if I've developed GALLSTONES!!  Apparently, when you've lost 'a lot' of weight (and he didn't define 'a lot', but I have lost 48 pounds, yay me!), it's not uncommon to develop GALLSTONES.  I'll spare you the icky details he gave me on why they speculate this happens.  If, in fact, I have developed GALLSTONES, I'll likely have to have my GALL BLADDER removed. 

Lovely.

At least this is an outpatient procedure, and probably would require nothing more than a long weekend off work.

On the other hand, the flexible spending account for our healthcare needs for this years is used up, and it's only October.  Guess that's what I guess for buying the warehouse-club sized bottle of Advil...  and Zyrtec...  if it turns out that I do need to have my gall bladder removed, I may ask him if it can wait until after the beginning of next year (ie. once the spending account is replenished).

If it's not gallstones, then we'll go to the next likely cause of my digestive woes.  I go Wednesday for the ultrasound.

Fun times...

VOTE! (warning: video contains strong language that might be offensive to some...)

If you're not registered, get registerd! If you are registered, don't forget to VOTE!

Except for Twyla, that is, since she doesn't live here... but Twyla, you could move here... and probably find a nice house cheap!

And now for something completely decadent...

I've started drinking coffee.

How grown up of me, right?

This started in earnest probably five or six months ago, in an effort to save money and be a little healthier. Before this, the day just did not begin until I'd had a 20 oz diet Coke. I've replaced this with a 16 oz car mug of some sort of flavored coffee with plain creamer, yay for me.

I ran across a recipe for a homemade pumpkin spice latte recently, appropriate since we just passed the Autumnal Equinox, that's supposed to rival what Starbucks makes (wouldn't know, never had one). I made a few modifications (to keep the diabetes gods happy), and O-M-G, I am now HOOKED on this stuff, and have it every weekend.

This makes 2 servings... or 1 1/2, a 16 oz car mug for you, and an 8 oz coffee mug for your significant other.

1-2 TBL canned pumpkin

1 cup skim milk

1/2 Splenda brown sugar blend

1/4 tsp cinnamon

pinch of nutmeg

pinch of ground cloves

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups strong brewed coffee (If you can handle it. I'm a bit of a wimp, so I just brew it regular.)

4 TBL creamer

4-8 tsp Splenda sweetener (sweeten to your taste)

In a blender, puree the pumpkin, milk, spices, brown sugar and vanilla. If you're feeling really sassy, throw in a squirt of sugar-free maple syrup, too. Pour this into a small saucepan and heat over low heat until the milk is warm and begins to froth slightly (about 4-5 minutes).

For each serving, pour 1/2 cup of the pumpking mixture into your coffee mug. Add 2 generous TBL of creamer. Heat in the microwave for 30 seconds, then add 1 cup of the brewed coffee. Sweeten to taste with Splenda. And if you're just crazy enough to do it, top it off with some whipped cream and a sprinkle of nutmeg (I haven't taken it quite this far yet!).

While you enjoy this, I'm off to find a similar recipe for the Starbucks Carmel Machiato...

Butterfly

Well hot-diggity, another weekend is finally here. I feel as if I spend all my time wishing my life away, waiting for the weekend.



My friend's funeral was this past Tuesday, and it was hard and easy all at the same time. My assumption is that this was an overdose of some sort, as this was what she tried in the past. The flowers were lovely. Her casket was pink. I feel horrible for saying this, but she looked bad. There's always something unsettling about viewing the deceased, but this went beyond that. I hadn't actually seen her in about a year; our communication of late had been mostly e-mail or text message, with an occasional phone call. I knew she'd gained a bit of weight, so I wasn't startled by that... but she was very heavily made-up, which wasn't her in life at all... and her mouth was set at a funny angle, like that of a person who's had a stroke. It was very odd, and made me wonder if perhaps, as a result of the overdose, she'd had a stroke at some point. I was glad that they had a nice display of photos of her in her better days. After just these few days, the memory of what she looked like, laying there, is already starting to fade... and I'm glad of that.

I've been to more funerals than I'd have liked in my 38 years, and this time I really sensed the feeling of saying goodbye to someone, of setting their spirit free to soar high into eternity. Jennifer was tortured by demons, both real and imagined. She was an exquisite person, but took everything too much to heart. It was wrenching to see her in her darker moments, agonized by what was going on in her head. At the same time, though, she knew yet refused the only kind of help that would have healed, or at least helped her manage, what she struggled with. It's hard to watch someone you care about hurt like that, maddening to sit while they do nothing to help themselves.

Of course I mourn for my friend, mourn for the daughter she left behind, and wonder if I couldn't have done more. But she truly now is finally free, which is what she wanted most. How can I be sad or angry about that?